So many irrational fears, hopes and denials come from this nowhere land. Your relationship to your adolescent is often hooked into the relationship you have with your own adolescence. For I know I was pretty much formed as a person by 14, and I haven't changed that much since. It is this experience more than anything that informs my parenting. I am currently on my third teenager (she is 13 my older ones are in their 20s), but the real truth is that I am on my fourth. Strangely, I happen to believe teenagers – er, much like us grown-ups – are all different. This seems naff, but there is no one these days apparently not in need of some dumbed-down cognitive behavioural therapy.
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Teenagers are bracketed with toddlers in terms of targeted user guides. There are manuals that are fine if you accept that you just need to change the settings on teenagers until their lights flash on and off. There are experts in adolescence, apparently.
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I can't tell you how to do it, but I can reassure you that you are probably doing it all wrong. This is how it feels to be the parent of a teenager. No one gets quite how boring all of this is. No one is there when you are too tired to pick up the remote control. No one is there when you discover something completely weird about the world. No one is there when you feel really lonely.
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No one sees you as an individual any more but just as some kind of generic blob. Everyone patronises you or exchanges knowing looks when you say something really important. People who actually have no idea tell you what to do all the time.